The Adventues Of Bob The Orc
by Julri
Summary: Sometimes, an Orc just doesn't feel like being an Orc anymore...
1. In Which Lil' Bob Is Born

Chapter One: In Which Lil' Bob Is Born

"My god! What an ugly baby!" the woman scream.

"Aw! Looks just like me!" the proud father said.

The woman scowled. "This is the last time I'm having a baby with an Orc!"

"Goo," the baby giggled.

"What's his name gonna be?" the baby's uncle, Bert the Orc, asked.

"Bob," the father, Frank the Orc, replied. "After Grandpa Bob."

"Excellent choice," Bert said, his naturally rough voice making the woman, Penelope,  
wince.

"Well, this sucks," Penelope announced, rolling her eyes.

"Goo," Bob agreed.

The woman sighed. "Why did I marry you in the first place, Frank?"

"I dunno," Frank said. "My good looks?"

"Not bloody likely," Penelope muttered. She crossed her arms. "Humph!"

Penelope was a human, as you can probably guess. But, she was very, very ugly. So,  
when it came time for her to get married, the best she could do was an ugly, old Orc.  
Fangs and all, baby!

"My boy'll make me proud!" Frank rambled on. "He'll be the leader of the Uruk-Hai, I bet!"

Penelopesnorted. The little, ugly baby stuck his tongue out. Bert E-mailed the rest of the family about the birth of Bob.

"SexyOrc123: Hey, ya'll! Frank's Orcling was born today. Real cute looking kid. Well, for an Orc, that is. Let's face it, we're butt ugly. Anyways, the kid's name is Bob. He already has his first fangs! Unfortunately, he smells really bad."

"BigMamaOrc: OMG! I can't believe I'm a Granny! He was named after my first husband, wasn't he? Sometimes, I regret killing him and feeding him to the Nazgul. But,  
what's done is done."

"LilOrcBro: I'm an uncle! Dude, this rocks! Great hearing from you, Bert. Tell Frank and Penny I said yo."

"OrcPotato: Ya'll should've named him Taters. We could've called him Tate."

"SuperSexySaruman: Ah, now I will have even more minions to do my evil deeds!  
Mwahaha!"

As you can see, the entire family was very excited.

Bob spat up on Penelope. "Yuck," Penelope said. "This blows."

Little did any of them know what would become of Lil' Bob.


	2. In Which A Drunken Elf Goes Psycho

Chapter Two: In Which A Drunken Elf Goes Psycho

Bob grew up to be a strong, smart, handsome Orc.

Not.

Let's face the facts: by the age of 20 he was weak, stupid, and butt ugly. But, what Orc isn't?

"I like cheese..." Bob began.

"Cheese rocks!" Billy, Bob's little brother, said.

Penelope sighed. Why, oh why, had she married Frank the Orc? And why had she had two idiotic children with him? Why, why, why?

Frank had been dead for several years. He had fallen head first into a toilet and had drowned. His last words had been, "Oopsie doodles."

"Ma, can we have cheese for dinner?" Bob asked.

Penelope stood up. "I am sick of this! No no no!"

"Oh. Can we have tacos, then?" Billy asked.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Penelope scream. "Nooooooooooooooo! I'm sick of this! I'm out of here."

With that, Penelope stormed out of the house, never to be seen by Bob or Billy again.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Billy cried. "Now we can't have tacos for dinner."

"Cheer up!" Bob said. "It'll be okay."

Billy sniffed. "How?"

"We still have cheese!" Bobannounced, gleefully.

"Hurray!" Billy said, leaping up.

With that, the two brothers put on their pink tu-tus and danced a little jig with their pet Chihuahua, Ralph.

"Arf," Ralph said.

"Hey, let's go join the Uruk-Hai!" Bob said.

"Okay!" Billy said.

Just then, a drunken elf burst into the room. "I'll kill YOU STupid ORCS! hick ALL of you ORCS SUCK! You kiLLEd my WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE FAMily! I'll hick get yoU ORCS back! You'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE! hick"

"I think he's drunk," Billy said.

"I AIN'T drUnk!" The elf said, toppling over, his knees shaking. "You're DRunk!"

"I am?" Bob asked.

Then, the drunken elf pulled out a spoon. "DIE you stUPID Orcs!"

Any smart Orc would've been able to dodge the drunken elf and his spoon. But, Bob and Billy were not smart. The drunken elf lunged forward and stabbed Billy with the spoon.

"Ouch."

Then, Billy and the drunken elf toppled backwards, falling into the fires of Mount Doom.

"I told Ma we should've moved," Bob said, opening up his back door with led strait down to the bottom of the fiery volcano.

Billy's last words were this: "Ah, crap!"

Then, there was a big explosion. Billy and the drunken elf were dead!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bob yelled.

Bob crossed his arms. "That's it! I've had it! I'm tired of being an Orc and always having those big, nasty elves pick on me!" He thought a moment. Ding! A light bulb magically appeared over his head. "By George, I think I've go it!"

Bob walked out of his house (out his front door, not back, as not to fall into Mordor and take a trip to Orc Heaven and/or Orc Hell) and smiled. "That's it! I'm a genious! Why hadn't I thought of it sooner? It's the perfect plan! I'll stop being an Orc and become a Hobbit!"

Bob set out for the Shire, his big, yellow fangs gleaming from the sunlight as he smiled.  
Ralph trotted behind him, his little, pink tu-tu still on.


	3. In Which Bob Gets Hungry And Eats

Chapter Three: In Which Bob Gets Hungry And Eats Chihuahua Stew

The whole Shire was talking about the new Hobbit that had come. On seeing Bob the Hobbit, many of them gasped. After all, there weren't many six feet tall Hobbits with fangs going around.

"I am Bob the Hobbit," Bob said.

"Er... yeah...," Sam said. "Um... nice to meet you."

"I like cheese," Bob said. "Do you like cheese?"

"Uh, sure," Sam said. "Um, I think I hear my wife calling me."

With that, Sam dashed off. What was happening to the Shire? Ever since Mr. Frodo had left, strange people were coming. Not to mention the fact that all of the Orcs had disappeared and there were a lot of mysterious elves with fangs and tall dwarves. And now there was Bob the Hobbit?

It was just freaky.

Bob walked around, whistling. Faithful Ralph followed close behind.

"Arf," Ralph said.

As Bob reached his new home, he stepped inside, bonking his head on the low ceiling.

"Ouch."

Once inside, Bob looked around for something to eat. There was nothing. Not even a piece of cheese! Not even a potato! Not even a taco! What could Bob eat?

"Arf," Ralph said.

That night, Bob had Chihuahua stew for supper.

The next day, Bob invited his new neighbors over for lunch.

"What is this? It's so good!" Merry said, rubbing his little tummy.

"It's CLT sandwiches," Bob said. "Chihuahua, Lettuce, and Tomato."

Merry spat out his sandwich. "Yuck! That's disgusting!"

"Mmm... Chihuahua yummy!" Pippin said, drooling.

"Here! Have some more!" Bob said, pushing more CLT sandwhiches towards Pippin.

Pippin swallowed all of the sandwiches in one gulp, tray and all. "BUUUUUURRRRRP!

But, Bob was still hungry. He had already eaten Ralph and he had no other food in the house. What could he eat?

"Look at that!" Bob said, pointing.

"What?" all of the Hobbits asked, turning around and looking in the direction Bob was pointing at.

In one second, Bob had picked up Merry and eaten him whole. "Yum!"

Confused, all of the Hobbits turned back to Bob and shrugged.

"Hey, where'd Merry go?" Sam asked.

"Uh, must've stepped out," Bob said, a small shoe hanging out of his mouth by it's strings.

"Help me!" a small voice said from Bob's stomach.

"Shush!" Bob said to his tummy.

"I'm still hungry!" Pippin said.

"Look at that!" Bob said.

All of the Hobbits turned, just missing Bob shoving Sam in his mouth. "Mmm... the fat one was extra juicy!"

The Hobbits were starting to get suspicious.

"Where'd Sam go?" some background-character Hobbit said, followed by him breaking out into the song "We Represent the Lollipop Guild."

"Um, I think he went home," Bob said, following it with a huge burp.

"I'm hungry!" Pippin whined.

Pippin was starting to annoy Bob, so he ate him.

All of the Hobbits scream. "Bob ate Pippin! Bob ate Pippin!"

"Cool! I just got eaten!" Pippin exclaimed.

All of the Hobbits fled in terror.

Unfortunately for Bob, Pippin was too stupid to die, so he crawled back out of Bob's mouth.

"Cool! I got stomach acid on me!" Pippin said, cheerfully.

Bob was angry. How dare his lunch crawl back out of his mouth!

Bob chased Pippin (who was wearing a disco suit that resembled something Elvis would wear) out of the house.

"Mwahaha!" Pippin said. "You'll never eat me alive!"

Bob chased the short Elvis impersonator, vowing revenge.


	4. In Which Bob Saves The Day And Pippin

Chapter Four: In Which Bob Saves The Day And Pippin Runs Into A Telephone Pole While Doing Disco

Bob chased Disco/Elvis Impersonator Pippin all around the Shire.

"Mwahaha!" Pippin laughed, for about the zillionth time that day. "I am the king!"

"You suck!" Bob yelled.

"Thank you! Thank you very much!" Pippin said, smushing his mouth into that weird,  
Elvis expression. As he ran, he thrust his hips and pointed his fingers in that Disco-ish way.

Just then, Pippin ran into a telephone pole. I guess running, hip thrusting, mouth smushing, Disco-ish pointing, and talking were just too much for the poor, stupid Hobbit.

As the telephone pole fell over, it caused a chain reactions.

The telephone pole falling over caused a horse to be crushed.

The horse being crushed caused a bunch of Hobbits to freak out, scream, and run.

A bunch of Hobbits freaking out, screaming, and running caused a bunch of chickens and cows to go psycho and set all of the houses on fire.

A bunch of chickens and cows going psycho and setting all of the houses on fire caused the entire town to go up in flames.

The entire town going up in flames caused Bob and Pippin to say in unison, "Oh, crap!"

The entire Shire was surrounded by fire! Bob had to act quick. So, he did what anyone in this case would do: he called 911.

"Operator! Operator! There's a fire!" Bob said.

"'Ello? Zis is Pizza Hut. I zink you called ze wrong number. But, in ze off chance that you didn't, 'ow may I 'elp you?" the man on the telephone asked.

"Send an extra large pepperoni pizza, and quick!" Bob yelled into the phone before hanging up. He began to dial again, but the phone rang.

"Hello?" Bob said into the phone.

"Is your refrigerator running?" a voice asked.

Bob looked around his house, realizing that he didn't own a refrigerator. "No."

"Well, um, too bad! Mwahaha!" the voice said.

"Dang it, Frodo! It only works if they say yes!" another voice on the phone said.

"Shut up, Gandalf!" the first voice yelled.

Bob shrugged and hung up. By this time, the entire Shire had essentially been burned into little, tiny bits. Calling 911 was pointless.

"Help! Help! My baby's stuck in our house that's on fire!" a Hobbit lady said.

Bob, doing the heroic, un-Orcish thing, ran into the house. He picked up the small baby (which smelled bad) and tossed it out the window.

"Ouch," the baby said. "Next time, put me down, don't throw me!"

"Oops," Bob said.

Then, Bob heard someone else screaming. He ran to the other side of the house. It was an old, Hobbit woman with her back turned towards him. Bob reached out and grabbed her shoulder, but when she turned around, it wasn't an old woman.

It was the Green Goblin!

"Uncle Bert?" Bob asked.

"Bob! Sunny boy! I ain't seen you since you was a baby!" Bert said.

"Why are you green?" Bob asked

"Huh?" Bert asked. "Oh, yeah. Well, I had joined the Blue Man Group, but I got a little confused."

"Oh," Bob said, walking with Bert outside.

"My hero!" some fat, Hobbit lady said.

"You're a hero?" Bert asked Bob. "I disown you!"

With that, Bert stormed off, never to be seen again. (Some think that he went on to star in the first Spider-Man movie. Others think that he became the lead singer in the Green Man Group. Still, others think that he joined a band of feral Kermit the Frog wanna be's).

As the astounded Hobbits surrounded Bob, praising him for saving the baby. Bob's wig fell off. Everyone gasped.

"He's an Orc!" Someone cried.

"Oopsie doodles," Bob said.


	5. In Which Dracula, Harry Potter, and

Chapter Five: In Which Dracula, Harry Potter, and Luke Skywalker Make An Appearance

Bob was cornered. What could he do?

"Kill the Orc! Kill the Orc!" the angry mob of midgets, er, Hobbits chanted.

A big, fat Hobbit dressed in green lifted up his club to strike Bob. Was this the end of Bob the Orc?

Bang!

The big, fat Hobbit leaped into the air. "'Elp! I've just been shot in me arse! Oof! I need me Lucky Charms!"

Bob looked at the shooter. There stood Pippin, a big shot gun in his hands. "Run,  
Bobby! Run!"

Bob leapt up and ran. He was so afraid he wet his pants. Pippin followed him, stripping of his tie dye Disco suit as he ran.

"Where will we go?" Bob asked.

"To Dracula's house!" Pippin shouted.

"Dracula? The vampire?" Bob asked.

"No, my uncle, Dracula," Pippin replied. "Great guy, Drakey."

"Is he a vampire, though?" Bob asked.

"Well, technically," Pippin said. "But he's also two feet high, so the best he can do is bite peoples' legs."

"Whoa..." Bob said. "Where does he live?"

"In the Magical Forest of Doom," Pippin said. "We have to make a quick stop, though.  
He doesn't let anyone visit him unless they bring beef jerky and beer."

"Smart guy," Bob commented.

"Yup," Pippin agreed.

Once Bob, Pippin, the beef jerky, and the beer arrived at Dracula's house, they were greeted warmly.

"Get the hell off my property!" Dracula yelled, shooting several times at Bob and Pippin.

"This sucks," Sam said from inside Bob's tummy.

"Yeah it does," Merry said from Bob's tummy. "Not to mention the fact that you take up WAY too much room."

"Hey!" Sam said. "It's a glandular problem."

Merry rolled his eyes. "Suuuuuuuure it is."

Meanwhile, Bob and Pippin were running for their lives.

"What's plan B?" Bob asked.

"What do you suggest?" Pippin asked.

"Maybe we should go work for Taco Bell," Bob said.

"Great idea," Pippin said. "We can get free burritos!"

"Free burritos rock!" Bob said.

"Amen, brother!" Pippin said as he put on sun glasses and grew an afro.

"Okay, where's the nearest Taco Bell?" Bob asked.

"I think there's one in Gondor," Pippin said.

"But it'll take too long to get there!" Bob whined.

"Oh, no it won't!" Harry Potter said, magically appearing.

"Harry Potter!" Bob and Pippin gasped.

Luke Skywalker appeared right besides him, riding on one of those little, flying motorcycle thingys.

"We'll take you to Gondor!" Luke Skywalker said.

"Our hero!" Bob said, batting his eye lashes, which was sort of creepy.

"Harry Potter, I'm your biggest fan!" Pippin said, jumping up and down. "Can I have your autograph?"

"Why yes you can!" Harry Potter said in that super hero-ish way with the really loud,  
deep voice as he stuck out his chest and flexed his muscles.

In a matter of two second, Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker had magically brought Bob and Pippin to Gondor.

"Oh, you're ever so kind!" Pippin said, looking up at Harry Potter.

"Goodbye!" Luke Skywalker said. "And remember: use the fork!"

"Adios!" Harry Potter said. "Remember: don't talk to strangers and always recycle!"

After they had left, Pippin and Bob felt like super hero/wizard/space dudes themselves.  
Pippin, wearing a bunch of gold rings and necklaces, said, "I pity the fool that don't drink his milk!"

Bob gasped. "Why, Pippin! Where ever did you get all that bling bling?"

Pippin shrugged. "Ebay. Where else?"


	6. In Which A Totally Rockin' Epolouge

Chapter Six: In Which A Totally Rockin' Epolouge Is Written

SAM AND MERRY continued to live inside Bob's tummy. Since they could not be fully digested, they passed the next few decades playing solitaire and learning ballet, which always gave Bob an upset stomach.

FRODO AND GANDALF kept on making prank phone calls. Their most frequent victims were Legolas and Gimli, were were living together in San Fransisco. Frodo later became an actor and starred in the movie "The Amazing Adventures of Elijah Wood"  
Gandalf went on to play Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies and Obi Wan Kanobi in the Star Wars Trilogy.

LEGOLAS AND GIMLI continued living in San Fransisco. Their hobbies include gay pride parades and making out. They're still waiting for gay marriages to be legalized so that they can be forever united in freaky love.

PENELOPE ended up married to Donald Trump as his 73rd wife. But, she was later dumped for J-Lo. She is currently dating the Pilsbury Dough Boy.

BigMamaOrc, LilOrcBro, OrcPotato, and SuperSexySuruman never got off their computers, even after death.

BILLY AND THE DRUNK ELF remained dead.

RALPH THE CHIHUAHUA AND FRANK THE ORC also remained dead.

BERT THE ORC is sort of pointless to have an epilogue for, because I already told you what happened to him in Chapter Four.

HARRY POTTER AND LUKE SKYWALKER eventually got jobs as underwear models.  
They call themselves "The Super Dooper Sexy Underwear Trio," despite the fact that there's only two of them.

THE OTHER HOBBITS continued being confused, stupid, and short.

PIPPIN got a paternity test done, and it turned out that his real father was Mr. T. He is currently married to four super models and a horse. He became the manager of Taco Bell and the supreme ruler of the whole world, but he decided to quit and become a professional Elvis impersonator.

BOB kept on being weak, stupid, and butt ugly. That is, till he discovered steroids, his brain, and plastic surgery. He was later named the sexiest man alive, despite the fact that he's technically an Orc. But, one thing has stayed the same about our humble hero:  
he's still hungry and likes Chihuahua stew.

THE END!


End file.
